Obviously the BDSM thing never panned out and I have shed my tears and said goodbye to that side of myself within my marriage. It is something I can not change and until I tuck that part of me away I will not be able to successfully move on in my marriage.

As some may be aware I write creatively, mainly stories and poetry of an erotic nature and I shall continue to do this as it is a large part of who I am and it may serve as an outlet for my inner frustrations.

My new blog will discuss aspects of trying to hold a marriage together successfully, enjoying the good and ‘swimming’ through the bad. I will post a few creative bits and bobs also.

If you would like to continue to follow and read what goes on in my life then the link is below. If not, then thank you for reading thus far.

Minxy x

http://wafflingcreatively.wordpress.com/

So today my daughter and I have been making paper snowflakes and sticking them all over the house, was super fun! Then later we are going to my parent’s house for christmas dinner. We have stuck with the tradition of christmas dinner on christmas eve night mainly because my mum used to work on christmas day and we never changed routine. It also meant christmas day was less stressful for my mum too, we’d have a cold turkey buffet thing for tea on the big day and have more time to relax and enjoy the day.

A got a lovely christmas present today by way of my grammar test results. Woohoo! I got a first…again. This was a higher mark than the phonetics test too which I am really suprised about. I would have bet money that I had done bad on this one. So I am beaming today what with my daughter’s infectious christmas spirit and my scholastic achievement. Yey!

I have decided to keep a journal too, well to be honest I have kept one since 2001 on and off! This time though I am going to try to write down my feeling more, kind of share them with myself to help me work through the things I feel, particularly about the self-confidence stuff. I used to do it a while back and I remember it did help a bit. So I am going to get back into the habit of doing it again.

Anyway, I just wanted to take this opportunity to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and if I don’t get on before a wonderful start to the New Year too.

Lets hope we all have a positive 2011 and make lots of brilliant things happen for ourselves!

Minxy xxx

I am currently recovering from some kind of 24 hour bug which has been round the family and kept me up ill most of last night. This morning I have felt rather delicate but it has inspired me to re-evaluate my diet and think up some changes that need to be made.

Also, during a conversation with my four year old daughter just now I was taken back by how truly intuitive and sensitive she is. The conversation went like this:

Daughter – (singing) t’is the season to be jolly, falalalalaaalalalala.

Minxy - Are you jolly hunny?

D – No.

M – Why? It is the season to be jolly, it’s Christmas! Why aren’t you jolly?

D – …because you don’t think you’re pretty do you?

Needless to say my heart almost broke right there on the spot. How she has picked this up I don’t know (she’s right of course).

I obviously don’t want her to know I think this about myself, I don’t know what effect that might have on her and how she views herself. So, one of the ways I can think positively about myself is to lose some weight. So that is my plan! I know, right before Christmas too! To be honest though, I don’t usually over indulge on bad things at Christmas anyway. I tend to fill up on the vegetables, turkey, cranberry sauce and yorkshire puddings at Christmas more than the chocolate and sweets.

Anyway, due to my illness I feel very empty and I am suddenly aware of what is now going in to this empty body of mine. It kind of feels like a fresh start, like I have done a ‘severe’ detox and am now ready to fill up my body with good, healthy foodstuffs! So that is what I shall do.

I may even consider starting weight watchers again in the new year…we’ll see how it goes.

I got a fairly disappointing result in one of my assignments today and then I read acreative piece of writing by another student and it was really good! Awesome in fact. I am not so snide to wish bad things about people who do well, but I compare myself to them and wish I could be that good.

I think I am a perfectionist and when I realise I can’t deliver perfection it really gets me down. I think a lot of it comes down to pleasing people and making them proud…if I feel I can’t do this, well then of course I am a failure!

I have a test in 2 hours and I have revised as much as I can…I can’t do anymore. I still feel like I won’t do well though, because of the knock this morning. I need to learn to get up from these knocks and keep fighting…’just keep swimming’.

Last night I let my husband film me playing with myself and sucking him. He seemed to enjoy it. I am happy about this. He does mention it a fair bit but I just feel like I look so bad on camera…all the wrong angles are caught and ‘beached whale doing naughty stuff’ springs to mind.

Anyway, I best continue with my preparations for this test…I don’t even know why I blogged this really…

Oh, take these storms away
Start a brand new story.
I’ll make it through each day
Singing death or glory.
Lord won’t answer me
I won’t let it bring me down.

I know these clouds are grey
That I am living under.
I know I’ll be okay
With the rain or thunder.
I hear it calling me
I will march into the sound.

I just get this feeling
You’re holding me down.
And these answers I’m needing
I guess they’re being smothered by the sound
Of all this emotion
And all of this hate.
Still I keep searching for something to put my faith in, to find my place so I keep singing.

 
Oh, take these storms away
Start a brand new story.
I’ll make it through each day
Singing death or glory.
Lord won’t answer me
I won’t let it bring me down.

Hold on,
Hold on,
We’ll move along.

Where we belong
Where we belong.
My heart, my soul.

I don’t need a vision
I’d like to embrace.
And not only false promises, hopes and wishes.

Hold on,
Hold on,
We’ll move along.

Where we belong
Where we belong.
My heart, my soul.

Last night I took myself on a date, well kind of.

I have been listening to the advice of others and I am going to try to learn to love myself, to not let my self-worth be validated by other’s opinions of me. Within my marriage there is some work that needs to be done regarding communication with my husband, of this I think we are both guilty of and aware of. However, for me to be able to communicate my feelings to my husband I actually need to work out how I feel. For me to do this I think I need to look into myself with a little more clarity and awareness of what I like and what makes me tick. Until I fully understand things within myself (I know I won’t understand everything, therein lies the growth and advancement of ourselves), but until I get an idea of who I am, how can I expect my husband to understand?

I know…I know…maybe starting from the point of sex isn’t the best way but it is a HUGE part of who I am and it is something that I spend a lot of time thinking about, writing about and to some extent it really does define a large part of me.

So I took my time, for once. I didn’t look for the quick satisfying fix (which usually ends up not being that satisfying and I find I feel alone and unloved because of it) HA! I haven’t been ‘loving’ myself…I have been ‘using’ and ‘abusing’ myself a lot of the time.

Sooo…I had a long bath. I took my time and enjoyed cleansing and smoothing my body; taking pride in the way my body looks and feels, feeling happy with myself. I used lotions and oils and then wrapped myself up in a big fluffy towel.

When I got upstairs I placed a mirror at the foot of my bed and laid myself out naked, and looked at myself. I then proceeded to enjoy myself, take my time and explore what I like and how I like to be touched. I made me watch myself and seriously look and think about how I perceive myself. At first I didn’t really like what I saw, it took a while for me to become accustomed to my body and to think I actually look ‘ok’!

I also have been watching a lot of ‘real-life’ porn rather than the Hollywood style stuff. Like most women I do tend to compare myself to others and when I saw the variety actually out there I suddenly felt a lot better about myself too. I am not as repellent as maybe I first thought.

So the night ended with me spending a good hour on just myself and my pleasure, then writing in my diary affirmations of the good things about me.

When I awoke this morning I felt really quite perky and excited for the day. I had no reason for feeling this way, it was just a day like any other, but I have come to Uni today with a new-found confidence. I am talking to people more than I did before, I am not thinking in the back of my mind ‘they are probably just being nice, but they don’t really like me’. I almost don’t care if they don’t like me. ALMOST!

Could this be a turning point? Could this be a start to me loving myself? I don’t know where this is going to go but I know that right now…right this minute…I feel happy. With me!

As I got older and I had my first boyfriend I then turned to him for the approval I sought. I quite happily did what he asked and went along with things to please him…he’d love me just that little bit more wouldn’t he?

Gosh, it sounds pathetic when I read that!

Turns out I haven’t changed. I am constantly seeking approval and signs of love from my husband. He rarely says ‘I love you’ - in my experience it’s just not a man thing to do. He isn’t very good at communicating his feelings. He is a closed book in many respects. Whether this means he doesn’t love me is probably not true from what I hear about how men communicate. I just can’t help but need to feel loved. Either to be told I look nice sometimes or to be told I am loved. Even just to have him listen, really listen, to my ramblings. Maybe I wouldn’t need this blog if that were the case.

I don’t know why I doubt his love for me, or why I need the reassurance. I know it must be very annoying for a man who just wants to get on with life quietly and smoothly without all the crying and and unsure feelings from his wife. I do try to keep it hidden mostly, I can tell he doesn’t understand so why burden him with all this.

There have been a few times where I felt so bad I nearly ended our relationship (and marriage) but he always said he loves me and that he would try. Each time I would feel bad that I was trying to change his behaviour, because that’s not fair, he shouldn’t have to change right?

I have recently found out that my younger brother has just got engaged. I don’t know his fiance that well, they haven’t been together a year and I have only met her a few times. I see the way he is with her, the affection he shows. They do exciting things together like cooking together, and shopping trips to London and the way he proposed was so romantic. He seems absolutely besotted with her! Is this because it’s new? Or is he a natural romantic? Well, I know my brother and I am sure it’s the latter, he attends to her needs. I almost feel like I want to marry him…but he’s my brother so I don’t really. It makes me wonder if there are men out there who are attentive to their women.

It got to the point where I was saying to myself  ‘ahhhh, it’s the honeymoon period’ and ‘it won’t stay like that…they’ll see…in 5-10 years time!’ Oh how much of a bitch am I?!

I was almost wishing them a bad marriage, just to wipe their loved-up, smug faces clean!

I am so horrible. I know.

How do I learn to love and accept myself and my relationship? How am I supposed to start to feel comfortable in my skin, and the skin of my family?

Where is my self-worth?

I realise I have done it again! I have got so wrapped up in my own little world; my selfish bubble of what I feel and why I feel that way. I find rather than just having these moments and moving on I stay in my bubble for longer than is necessary and it becomes all-consuming, just like my emotions. When I ‘feel’ things, happiness, sadness, anger, fear, etc I feel it so intensely that I can’t see straight and can’t feel anything else at that particular moment in time. It is quite literally all-consuming! I need to try to control the degrees of my emotions.

I want to quote some of the comments that really made me think…that I feel I have really helped.

M said:

“There’s another extent to which change comes from within. It may be something from a small lifestyle change.”

 ”There isn’t really a sense of happy. There is the smile from loving your children and watching them grow up; or the joy of loving your partner; but as an enduring long-time feeling that’s a myth.”

The first I am starting to implement (sometimes I think it boils down to keeping busy and distraction).

The second quote I think I see your point. I need to focus on the good and in so many ways I am very lucky.

kdaddy said:

“your life – and the life of others – are bound together for whatever time its meant to be and you should always remember and embrace this”

 ”keep it simple; embrace life, embrace love – your husband, children, family; while you may not ever find your “purpose” in life, work with what you have – own it and live it to the best of your abilities.”

 ”if you’re questioning why he’s with you and if you don’t know – and you really need to know – you might want to ask him – and believe what he tells you.”

I like kdaddy’s comment a lot, I found it very helpful to put things in perspective, so thank you. The first two quotes are mainly about embracing things and I realise I do not do as much of this as maybe I should. I think this leads me on to the last quote. I need to embrace my husband more. Not physically as such, sexually we are very active and quite intimate (though there are things I can’t tell him about that I desire because things like that freak him out!)

However I think, like Madam Bovary in fact, I don’t always see what is in front of me. I am too busy looking for ‘obvious’ signs of love from him or accusing him of not loving me because he won’t come to family gatherings or he is so stubborn he won’t entertain my needs in certain areas – where I try really hard to give him the things he needs. I take this mostly as signs that he doesn’t love me enough. Terrible of me, I know. I miss the little moments that might show his feelings for me, small subtle signs hidden by my search for the big signs…and I guess it is the little things that count!

I also have been quite neglectful of myself (know I am never neglectful of my kids by the way, it’s usually my husband and I that get the brunt of my craziness!) In my zombified reverie I have neglected to do the little things for myself which collectively make me feel like I have some kind of order over my life. So last night I sat and wrote in my diary and made a list (Oh how I love lists!). I wrote down all the little things that would create some order in my life (I knew all along that it comes down to having control – I have no one to give me this control so I guess I will just have to find it within myself!)

They are silly things really. Make sure I get up between 6.30-7am so I can start my day properly. Cleanse and moisturise properly and not sleep in my make up out of laziness. Try and control my diet again, eating healthily and exercising twice a week. If I can do these things I might just feel better about myself externally and by accepting my husband’s expressions of love and even learning to actually love myself (aha, the hardest take of all!!) then maybe I can have more of the happy moments in life.

Again, I want to thank you for the comments I received. I have blogged all this but I need to make sure I also have the determination to implement these thoughts and changes too and I know it won’t happen over night. Maybe I should bookmark this page of my blog, to remind myself of my promise to myself.

I just want to be the best wife, mum and person I can be. I’ll keep trying.

Thank you

Minxy xxx

I can be playing with my children, cuddling with my husband, talking to close friends and yet I still feel so distant from everything.

I know I am classed as still young in a way, and I know it’s not easy to find your place in this world…but do others feel this lonely in their lives? I feel like there isn’t anyone I really connect with or who understands me…even accepts me for the way I am.

Maybe that is too much to expect from another person in this world? Maybe the only person you can ever count on is yourself (I am sure I heard that in a movie somewhere!) Maybe we all live in a ghost town?

I wander around Uni (and I do enjoy it, I do) but I feel very lonely there, very out of place. When I am at home I sometimes just want to be somewhere else, curl up and disappear into another place, sometimes I just can’t do anything. When I am at my family’s home I don’t feel like I am surrounded by family, I just feel like an imposter, like I am allowed to sit there quietly in the corner and pretend I belong. I have two best friends, but sometimes I think it’s more a label ‘best friend’ than an actual real relationship…they might say they love me, but deep down I can’t believe it.

I think that’s sometimes how it works with hubby too. That’s why sometimes I need actual proof of love from him, I need him to show me and tell me (and he rarely does tell me – unless I say it first). I can’t believe he does actually love me. I can’t believe that he wouldn’t find someone better somewhere else. I am waiting for him to leave or cheat on me, then I can breathe a sigh of relief at what I thought was true all along.

I know, I know…10 years together, surely there must be something to keep him with me? Well, yeah! He wouldn’t want to move back home with his parents right? He can’t leave his kids right? Of course, he gets sex when he wants too. So I guess the motives are quite clear.

Why I am thinking about all this now, only I can know and I don’t really want to say. But disappointment can make people think and feel things they wish they could just bury deep down. I am sure that is what I will do. Bury this loneliness deep down and smile through tear-stained cheeks. One day I hope I can be truly happy. I do have moments of real happiness, I do. But it is usually when I have the strength to bury my loneliness and numb the fear I feel. That’s when I can shine. But it’s always there, always chewing on my strength and picking at my light…always breaking through.

Can I ever be happy? Does anyone else feel like this? Is this depression?

I had to write three assignments and I had one test…just one more to go and that’s it till January.

My first assignment was about the use of Standard English and whether it is the correct form of the English language. On this I think I did fairly well, though it was quite open-ended and all down to a matter of opinion so that made it quite difficult, knowing what angle to take.

My second assignment was a short story based on a text we have read so far (The fairy tales, Angela Carter’s shorts stories and Frankenstein, discussions on the gothic genre). I foolishly thought this would be the easier assignment for me, but I was wrong. Just when I needed the inspiration it was lost to me. I ended up rushing it at the last minute and was not happy with what I produced. Thankfully we only have to pass our modules this year and the marks don’t count towards our degree. I am still annoyed with myself though.

My last assignment which I have just submitted was discussing lexical semantic relationships involving synonymy, hyponymy, meronymy…etc. This has seemed the easiest, or maybe the most structured and methodical to write so I have completed this one feeling really quite good about. I guess time will tell (I think we find out in about 2-3 weeks how we did).

I actually can’t wait to see what level I am at at the moment. So excited for the result.

 We also had a phonetics test, which I passed with an A (or 1st in Uni speak)!!! Wooooo! There is also a grammar test in a few weeks.

All in all I think I am coping with uni quite well, splitting my time fairly evenly between my family and my degree. Not much of a social life at the minute though! I don’t mind.

Well, sorry if this has seemed like a boring (and maybe a bit of a bragging) blog today, but hey…I am chuffed with myself! I must dash now…hubby is giving me that look again (wink wink)…

Oh a quick ‘ps’…I couldn’t finish Madam Bovary…I will blog about that next time!

I had tears in my eyes in today’s lecture when discussing the novel Madam Bovary by Gustave Flaubert, the next piece of literature on the list.

I haven’t read it all yet, but I am of the understanding that it has a tragic end. For those of you who don’t know it, this is the blurb on the back of the book;

‘Oh, why, dear God, did I marry him?’

Emma Bovary is beautiful and bored, trapped in her marriage to a mediocre doctor and stifled by the banality of provincial life. An ardent devourer of sentimental novels, she longs for passion and seeks escape in fantasies of high romance and eventually adultery. But even her affairs bring her disappointment, and when real life continues to fail to live up to her romantic expectations, the consequences are devastating.

Each time we discuss it I see myself in her. I have grown up seeking the romance and passion found in books and movies. I sometimes find life a disappointment (well more so in the past perhaps than now). Though I have not committed adultery I do sometimes view the grass as greener on the other side, looking at others relationships, thinking they look much more ‘romantic’ and ‘passionate’ than my own.

You know what?

I started writing this thinking I was Madam Bovary, but just by writing it ‘aloud’ if you like, I am realising that though I have similar interests as she, I am handling it so differently. Like I said, I haven’t finished the book yet and do you know, I think I am rooting for the husband, Charles. I don’t think she will but maybe she should see the way he treats her, looks at her. I actually think she might be missing a great deal.

Hmmm…maybe I should end this blog here and crack on reading the book. I should report back once I know the full story and not let myself get swept away by the old me.

Yes, that’s what I’ll do.

I’ll ‘brb’ as they say!